I have been thinking a lot about time the past few days. Not just the measuring, and the passing of, but what happens with and without it.
Time becomes the greatest tyrant in our lives, as observes the song at the end of this post.
Time has given me a way to measure the changes in my life, the decisions I have made, the people I have lost. Time in its eternal nagging reminds me of all the things I have let slide, selfishly, in trying to become the person I wish to be.
In running away from my family, my friends, I have forfeited time. It all came home to me this past weekend, when a family friend passed on. I don't know the details, because my self imposed alienation makes me feel as though I am unwelcome to inquire. Because I gave up that time. The time with him, the time with the people that help to connect me to him. Time is not only a measurement, but a commodity. How easily we squander it with no expectation of a return on the investment of it. Time is everything we fear. It is lost and never regained, nor can it be redeemed or earned. It is so maddeningly persistent, and unattainable. Time is madness.