Friday, May 14, 2010

The pit.

Possibly the hardest thing I find myself dealing with is this pit of despair that crops up uninvited. Nothing has to cause it to appear, sometimes it feels like it is just reminding me that it is always near.
And when it does...
I feel like a ghost of myself. I feel like I don't exist, or as if I never had. I find myself fighting tears for grief that should not exist. I am consumed by this burning, aching... it's everything and nothing all at once.
It feels like I am covered in a heavy black blanket, and I am running out of air.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Today, though I have been awake just barely an hour, I won. Today my will was stronger than my bad habits. I will need to be victorious often, if I am to meet my goal, but each win can only make me stronger. I need to do this, I need to LEARN to be stubborn about the right things, instead of just the things it is easy to be stubborn about.

Today I try to change myself, and I hope beyond hope that I can succeed.