Thursday, September 9, 2010

Ramble, ramble, ramble, STOP!

It's all coming too fast. October is getting here, and I am not ready for it. I feel like I need to do something on the fifth, but I don't know what, or how, to... I don't even know how to talk about it here. Even when I am somewhere like this, where I have the space to myself, I have a hard time talking about it.
On October 5, 1995 my mother died. This is a fact. This year, on October fifth, it will be FIFTEEN YEARS. FIFTEEN! That right there is more years with her gone than I was alive when she died. Fifteen. Good word. It really just leaves me struck dumb to think about it. To think that I was just shy of thirteen the last time I saw my mother. The last time I fought with her, and that is what we did that morning. I don't blame myself like I used to, even though she did kind of blame me, I don't think she entirely knew what the end result would be. I'm kind of over it now, kind of past the pain, and yet I never grieved properly. There is still a lot of hurt left, but I suspect that won't ever go away.
FIFTEEN years. Damn. I just keep looking at it and I can't wrap my head around it...
And then twenty days after that, my baby turns ten. TEN! I don't know how I am going to deal with all of this when it lands on my doorstep. TEN & FIFTEEN!! I think it just might kill me, heh. The baby itch is only ramping up now that my baby is going to be a pre-teen. All the more reason to keep walking. (I am infertile at my present weight, and that is actually what brought on the exercise in the first place. I want to have another baby before I'm thirty, and it is getting pretty damned close!)

My life, much like my head, is in a constant state of everywhere at anytime. I just hope I can keep holding on and see November in with whatever sanity I have left. I get to have Christmas this year, and I'll be damned if I don't do it up HUGE to make up for being too poor to do it last year.