Monday, August 30, 2010

Who I am

I've been trying to take off some weight, and it has made me reflect on who I am.
I've been a fat girl for so long that it has become a precious part of me. I will always be a fat girl, physically, because that is how I was built to be. I won't give it up because I don't need to. I do, however, need to take off a good sixty pounds in order to feel fully healthy again. It's not easy...
About a month ago I started walking an hour or three miles a day, three or four days a week. It did wonders at first, and the first five pounds just disappeared. Now I am stuck in flux between seven and ten pounds lost, and it is really driving me batty. Walking is obviously not cutting it for me anymore, and I have no idea what to do.

On top of all this, amidst the frustration that comes with trying to stay motivated, is the feeling that I am not being true to myself. I am not doing this to look good, because I think I am attractive. I'm not doing this because society tells me to, it is a decision I am making for myself. It is just so damned hard. I can't afford to go to a gym, I can't afford equipment, and I have tried using workout videos on Netflix, but let's be real here, THOSE VIDEOS ARE FOR PEOPLE IN DECENT SHAPE. Obese people have balance issues, and all that swinging fat certainly doesn't help. I know I can complain here, because no one hears me.

I guess I'll try and dance my ass into exhaustion for another fifteen minutes. Maybe half an hour a day of pure ass busting will do something.

I certainly hope so, anyway.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I continue to read blogs, and to lurk, because I feel like nothing I have to say is unique and that alone makes it worthless.
Today I watched Julie & Julia and it really made me feel like I was missing out on something. As though my hesitation and fear of having to actually interact with people in order for them to want to interact with me was something I could overcome.
Alas, my eternal social awkwardness prevails.
I have so many things to say, so many words swirling around, and yet... and yet, I feel like saying them at all is just setting myself up for disaster. "Who would want to read what you have to say?" or, "What makes you special enough that anyone should read these words?" It's not that I am lacking in personality, or even likability, I just lack something so basic that there isn't even a word I know of to describe it. I guess it could be confidence, but I don't think that's it at all. I just have a hard time creating bonds with people. I don't have poor self worth, and yet I feel like I have nothing special to offer anyone.

I am just a lonely little blogger, who is afraid to say anything in case it ends up being nothing at all.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I woke up this morning with an earworm from a song I haven't heard in months.
I woke up with the ghosts of my bitter teenage choices tearing at my heart. If you could hear the way everything sounds swirling around my head the jumbled mess would likely drive you mad. I don't know what to make of resurgence of these feelings.
Some fantastic place... and the faces of the people I let myself lose. I was young and angry. I was bitter and hurting, and they should have known better. They should have clung tighter instead of loosening their grip. They should have given me every reason to want to stay a part of her family. Instead they loosened, and in my clouded judgment I let myself drift away.
I don't know if what I want now is to try and fit myself into their lives, or fit them into mine, I just know that my mother's death resulted in so much more loss than it ever should have. I lost her people, my people, and my son lost his history before his story even began.

I have dreams about bringing an infant girl to a family party, her family's party. I dream of my son dazzling them with his charm and my daughter being the center of attention. I don't have a daughter, and I don't have my family, and yet the dreams remain.

I've lost so many people who were important, and only two of them through death. I ran from my family when things got hard, instead of running to them, and now they're all gone.

My heart and soul ache for the love I used to have, but squandered with youthful foolishness.